what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
