Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
