It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
