I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
