Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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