wat bout pragnant strippers??
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
