I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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