JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
