rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
