You made me cry and you don't even care
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
