he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
