I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
