I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
