when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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