I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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