This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
