Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize