I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
