Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize
