I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
