bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
