I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have aggressive nipples.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
