I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
