Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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