It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize