I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
