Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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