I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
