Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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