I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
we're so committed to being not committed
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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