its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You're like the curious george of whores
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
