I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
