i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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