i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize