one might say we're banned from that church
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
