It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
