Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
