youre lurking in front of me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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