remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
