i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
