I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
