Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
