There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
