im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We need to get me chipped asap
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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