Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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