I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
