Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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