It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Randomize
