I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
