watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
