Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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