i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
