I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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