bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
