You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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