According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
