i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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