The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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