I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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