You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
