I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
