grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
