im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When are your genitals available?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize