Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
