Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm passing your future prison.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
