I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
