My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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