brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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