I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
